One, I am never going shopping again! Ahh, holiday shopping is crazy huh? I set a mental limit for myself and said no thinking “just one more thing for this person” 1 day before Christmas Eve, where I spend the evening with my dads side of the family, all of my presents are purchased and nicely wrapped!
My dad is 47, who thinks he is 21. I will forever say he thinks he is 21 no matter the years that go by. My family owns a few bars, so im sure you can guess why my dad thinks he is 21. Everyone raves about “how cool” he is. And yes I do admit, he is cool. But as a dad? A cool friend yes. But a dad? Dont get me wrong he is a big part of my life, but I like to consider my mom, my mom and my dad. She is the one who raised us, she was a single parent for 10 years. No financial support, no physical or mental support. My ppor mom. She has done sooo much for her kids our whole lives. I dont know how she did it. When i was the young and nieve me, I wanted to be a “young” mom like my mom was. She had me at 21. Now I am the more mature, smart me and I think to myself, hell NO could I have had a kid or kidS at 21. ALL the respect to young mothers, but me personally I couldnt do it.
Second thought, I havent slept in my own bed the past few nights. Ive slept with my sister, poor girl probably wants her bed back! haha, but hey what are sisters for!? Friday night was a mess, after a few drinks in SF with a co worker, I decided to text my ex how I felt for the one millionth time, and for the two millionth time, told him I couldnt do this anymore. That I want and need more. That I deserve to be treated right, just like I treated him right. And as much as I want to be there for him through everything he is going through right now, I cant. It is too hard on me. And one thing I am learning as I get older, as I get stabbed in the back by friends, family or boyfriends…is to put yourself first. Make yourself happy first. All though, you can probably call me every name in the book,the last word i would describe myself as is selfish. But im learning, it is ok to be selfish in this sense. A lovely trait (along with so many others) that I have received from my mom is putting others before myself. Which has gotten me to a great place, but has also made me stumble, more than once. Anyways back to the ex- at first he started off saying “this makes me sad..a part of me wants to be that person for you and the other part doesnt know how” My immediate thought? Bull. Shit. I strongly believe that if you want something, you will try. You will try your best. So after some texts back and forth, I finally told him to stop beating around the bush. After 3 years, he FINALLY said “i dont want a relationship with you.” See the thing is, I have always wanted to hear that, as weird as that sounds. I always asked him to just be real and too say it but he always would reply “im not going to say that, why would i say something that isnt true.” So now. I finally heard what I wanted to hear. I simply replied “thank you” and that was it. That is going to be it.
Anyways, break up talk is always a mood killer. Who knows about Elf on the Shelf? I have a 4 year old sister, we are 20 years apart and this is a new tradition brought into the house this year. So for the past week, I have been moving that damn elf all over the house! Im starting to think its more of a pain to think of a new creative idea at 6:30 am every morning BUT it is so worth it to see her smile, and laugh at the silly things her elf, Heart, has done!
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